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"We need to make books cool again. If you go home with someone & they don't have books, don't fuck 'em."--John Waters

I'm the author of more than twenty novels including SHADOW SEASON, THE COLD SPOT, THE COLDEST MILE, THE MIDNIGHT ROAD, THE DEAD LETTERS, and A CHOIR OF ILL CHILDREN. Look for my next one THE LAST KIND WORDS due out May '12 from Bantam Books. Contact: PicSelf1@aol.com

Friday, June 26, 2009

Love for Pic


This is the reason why you all want to become professional writers. Because of the adoration, respect, unconditional love, and a readership that's not too proud to shower you with a little grateful attention.

This fan letter comes from our good friend D. Ford of Mnpls, MN. "Always looking for new mytery writers, hoping I'll find a gem to add to my favs collection. Bought your "Midnight Road" sight unseen from Amazon. Have tried to get into it 3 times. All failures. This is the most disjointed, unrealistic attempt @ writing a mystery novel I've tried in over 5 yrs. The character and his rambling 1st person problems make no sense at all. There's no cohesion or sense of danger or any tension. The dead dog!! Give me a break, don't know what you're trying for, and I don't think you do either. And the manufactured danger he faces from the police for no apparent reason, just makes this a VERY weak attempt. $$ wasted. Go back to Lit 101 & read Mike Connelly, John Sanford, Stephen Hunter, Robert Crais, and start all over!!"

Sure, I could've spent a half hour writing a resounding & insulting missive that would ring his ass like a bell, but what's the point? Here's what I wrote instead:

"Thanks for your generous compliments. Keep reading!
Love,
Tom Pic"

Haters. You know you want more of them in your life. Become a novelist now!

17 comments:

Jamie Eyberg said...

I can't wait until I get a book deal. Thanks for sharing.

Robert said...

THE MIDNIGHT ROAD has been on my TBR pile for awhile now. Looks like it was just bumped to the very top. Thanks, Mr/Mrs Ford!

Vince said...

Your response is the best and only one to go with.

Russel said...

Anyone using more than one excalamation point needs medical attention. And fast.

He's entitled not to like the book. But, hell, what was the point in writing that letter? Eejit.

But what can you do? Keep your dignity, Pic, which I think you did, as ever. Just keep on writing and know that for every nutbar like that guy, there are nutbars like me... the ones with taste.

Corey Wilde said...

I think the reader wanted you to take the time to 'splain things to him, Lucy. Then he could say to his friends that he had a meaningful correspondence with this author Piccirilli, and had set him straight on a few things.

Your answer was the best possible.

Jordan Krall said...

The guy is obviously a douchebag with no taste. Your response was what he needed.

Kid Dork said...

Then again, after posting your letter, he may have written to the transit authority to complain about the cheap vinyl on the seats. Then a letter to the Secretary of Trees about this elm he doesn't care for, and then another letter to...

Ed Gorman said...

When I was editing Mystery Scene I ran a few columns filled with bad reviews. I'd asked writers to send in the worst they'd ever received. I led off with a few of mine. This letter would have put you in the finals for sure. What I don't understand is why, if you dislike a book this much, you bother writing the author.

Keith Rawson said...

Ah, fuck'em, Pic!Obviously this keister bandit is a fan of Margret Truman and novels with recipes interlaced through out the story line

ronnoc said...

That wasn't nearly as bad as I had expected. That's the worst you've seen? You must be the best writer ever! :P

Kieran Shea said...

I used to give irritating people the finger (on the road especially) but then I started giving them the "thumbs up" sign, which seemed to freak them out even more. Your response reminded me of that.

David T. Wilbanks said...

Yeah, you have to watch those Minneapolis guys.

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ben said...

What a looser that guy is...you did the right thing Pic. Why he would even take the time to search you down, and then comment is beyond me. If I don't like something, I simply move on. Strange.

Keith Rawson said...

Hey, there's Chinese porn in Pic's thread?

Craig Zablo said...

I wonder what possessed him/her to buy the book sight unseen?

Love your response.

Patricia Stoltey said...

Priceless! Since I really liked Midnight Road, I guess this means I have no taste. Hmmm. lol

Patricia
http://patriciastoltey.blogspot.com